Love styles, intimate relationships and happiness
In our times, we have now two international organizations that are devoted in scholarships on relationships, International Society for the Study of Personal Relationships and International Network on Personal Relationships publishing their own journals namely (1) Personal Relationships and (2) Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Felmee Sprecher 2000).
Psychologists, sociologists and other experts in different fields join together to study and research this particular endeavor. It has been said that the field of interpersonal relationships is one of the most rapidly growing areas in the social and behavioral sciences. Topics such as love, social exchange and equity, commitment, communication, sexuality and social support, intimate relationships development and dissolution have been studied by these researchers. (Berscheid Reis 1998).
Literature Review Rationale
Love Styles
John Alan Lee (1973, 1977) studies in love styles had become the basis and focus of many studies about the conceptualization of love. Lee s famous classification of love style including agape, ludus, storge, mania, pragma and eros had been the subject of different research and studies of succeeding generation of psychologist and other experts. See also Appendix 1
Love styles refer to how individuals define or approach love, such that their attitudes regarding love guide their behavior toward, and experience of, those they love.
Felix Neto (2005) in his article Love Styles A Cross-Cultural Study of British, Indian and Portuguese College Students interpreted Lee s colors of love in the following manner.
Agape is the selfless love style. The agapic lover seeks complete spiritual and emotional identification, is quite willing to make sacrifices in the interests of the lover and may have conflict about sexual expression.
Eros represents the emotionally intense individual who is looking for a psychologically intimate and open relationship as well as a passionately expressive one. The erotic lover has strong ideas about the type of person she or he desires for a partner and attempts to achieve a close and intimate relationship when she or he finds that person.
Storge is a type of love involving a more slowly developing friendship. Shared interests, trusts, and acceptance acquired over time seem central to this style of love.
Pragma is the love style in which the suitability of the partner to one s own position and place in the community is central. The pragmatic lover is looking for similarities of interests and background that are likely to make the other a good life partner.
Ludus represents the lover who thinks of love as a sophisticated game. She or he enjoys having multiple partners, and is thus not interested in making a deep commitment to one person.
Mania is the love style characterized by intense emotional involvement, with concerns about the loss of the other, which lead to feelings of jealousy and exclusiveness. The manic lover often feels insecure in relationship
Thomas S. Langner (2002) in his book, Choices for living coping with fear of dying interpreted Lee s categorization with the following key words (p. 26).
Agape Christian love, selfless and altruistic, love of mankind possibly a combination of commitment with passion focused on God or on ideals, and compassion reserved for the less fortunate.
Eros erotic, love at first sight, physical attraction and pleasure.
Ludus roving lover, flirtation, passion with no intimacy or commitment.
Mania obsessive, addicted love, infatuation
Pragma pragmatic, compatible, arrange marriage, empty love, with commitment but no passion or intimacy
Storge slowly developing love between siblings or playmates, often described a slowly described as affection or friendship, liking.
Kurt Frey and Mhazad Jojjat of Yale University in their research entitled, Are Love Styles Related to Sexual Styles defined Lee s classification as
Agape all giving, selfless love
Ludus game playing, noncommittal love
Storge down to earth, friendship love,
Mania dependent and possessive love
Eros passionate, lustful love
Pragma logical, shopping list love.
Intimate Relationship
Relationships are formed as adaptive measures necessary for coping with adjustments and transitions. Concerns with the self and with ones ability to adapt cause people to seek identity through intimacy. There are different intimate relationships developed during early life stages that greatly contribute to the overall development of a person. As a whole, intimate relationship is a close interpersonal relationship characterized by needs fulfillment, enduring behavioral independence and emotional attachment (Miller et al., 2007).
Intimate relationships formed during early years
This part reveals a personality-based theory on how intimate relationships are formed during the early stages of a persons life. During the stages of infancy, childhood, puberty and young adulthood, new tensions and needs arise in a person. With an attempt to find ways of adapting to such stresses, people develop various types of intimate relationship that greatly mold their overall personality. Relationships that are formed during earlier stages serve as a backbone for interactions in later stages of life. In this light, continuum of relationships are formed throughout the lifetime that mold and shape specific personality traits.
The birth of an infant initiates himher into a process of life-long mutual adaptation between himherself, the broader social environment and hisher intimate relationship partners. Intimate relationships and interactions affect the adaptation pattern to the changing needs that evolve with each developmental stage throughout life. Various environmental contigencies to which a person must adapt are rooted in such relationships. According to Baldwin (1992), a person must learn to adjust to hisher own behavior first before adapting to others style of relating. Since human development is a result of environmental factors by which heshe is surrounded and complex interaction of forces that is within an individual, it can be considered that interpersonal relationships and interactions shape coping styles and individual personality (Baldwin, 1992). Therefore, maturity involves intimacy that is integrated into a framework, encompassing all aspects of ones self.
Formed relationships during infancy and childhood
Dimensions of Temperament
Individuals are biologically predisposed to adapt in the environment with hisher own style from the time of birth. Infant studies suggest that differences in human behavior may result indirectly or directly from genetic differences (McAdams, 1989). Developmental psychologists term such differences as dimensions of temperament. These dimensions are based on biological, chemical, experiental, social, and interpersonal factors, and manifested across different situations (McAdams, 1989). Psychologists Plomin and Buss have proposed four temperament dimensions present in humans (Mcadams, 1989)
Emotionality the tendency to express negative feelings like fear and anger vigorously and frequently.
Activity the physical movement that a person shows.
Impulsivity the tendency of a person to act quickly without deliberation, move from one activity to another, and find difficulty in practicing self-control.
Sociability the tendency of a person to become friendly and outgoing, and enjoy the company of others (McAdams, 1989, pp.136- 137).
In this theory, persons are predisposed with tendencies of developing the temperament dimensions to various levels. They become present during infancy and continue to develop throughout puberty and young adulthood. Subsequently, the social environment reacts to such tendencies, shaping and modifying them in various ways. The primary function of temperament is to develop a unique interpersonal style (McAdams, 1989).
Mother-Child Relationship
The mother-child relationship is the first intimate relationship of a human being. As stated by Freud (1949), the act of breastfeeding for infants is an individuals first encounter to intimacy. McAdams (1989, p. 139) stressed that the process of sucking is the most natural way to know the innermost self of another. During breastfeeding, an infant obtains pleasure and nourishment from sucking at hisher mothers breast, reducing the tension and stress caused by the so-called hunger drive. Engaging oneself into such tension-relieving activity during infancy stage serve as a basis for relationship development in later stages of life (McAdams, 1989). Changes like tension, stress and needs are based on the outcome of coping attempts during infancy. An individuals comfort and security needs are important in molding hisher intimate relationship with other people (McAdams, 1989, pp. 71-81).
Attachment
The love formed during the first year of life is the result of the bond between a mother and infant. Interactions between a child and mother form behavioral patterns in later life relationships. The personality that can be developed as a result of this bond is seen from a securely attached infant. According to Rothbard Shaver (1994), if a mother become sensitive and responsive to the infants needs, the infant may develop secure attachment style. When infants develop secure attachment style, they feel at ease and confident when interacting with others. They know how to take turns, to lead and follow, and to receive and express feelings. Attachment bond provides pattern and serves as a prototype for close or intimate relationships (McAdams, 1989).
Interactions with peers
During the childhood years, an individuals need for individuation and autonomy affects hisher intimate interactions and relationships with peers. Children often seek to communicate, share and enjoy the company of their peers. Such interactions are primarily based on the childs quest for coexistence between their newfound independence and the love that they experienced during infancy (McAdams, 1989).
Aspects of the child-parent relationship affect the efficacy of a childs adaptation. The acquired competencies of a child through intertactions with parents are often reflected in hisher interaction with peers. According to Prager (1995, p. 89), children who express more self-reliance and control are found to have nurturing parents, while children who express less autonomy have parents who are more permissive (1995, p. 89). In kindergarten and nursery schools, children who had a secure attachment bond during infancy are described by teachers as more popular and competent. They are also observed to have initiative and dominance (McAdams, 1989, p. 43).
Prager (1995) claimed that such interactions with peers characterized by sensitivity, emphatetic concern, ability to verbalize feelings and sensitivity also serve as prototype of intimate relationship in later stages of life (1995, p. 87). Therefore, behaviors that are formed during infancy can be reflected through peer interaction. In turn, peer interactions also serve as a basis for intimate relationships in the succeeding life stages (McAdams, 1989).
Formed relationships during adolescence and early adulthood
Friendships
The role of parents and friends changes significantly over the course of social development. During early adoloscense, the amount of time that children spend with their parents drop in half, compared to the time they spend during preschool years (Weston, 1996).
An adolescent undergoing emotional and physical changes seeks out relationships that enhance abilities to adapt to new stresses and needs. Adolescents seek for those who are experiencing similar changes whom they can share their thoughts and feelings. Intimate interactions and relationships between friends increase during this stage in life because they provide adolescents with opportunities for self-clarification (Weston, 1996). Through the formation of coconstructive dialogues between friends, adolescents can participate together in constructing and exploring selves (Weston, 1996).
Going back to the example of the securely-attached infant, it can be considered that the ability of a person to construct such dialogues are directly related from hisher earlier interactions (Youniss, 1980). The secured infants autonomous and sensitive personality traits are reflected in relationships with peers. These traits also reappear in the dialogues formed with friends during the adolescent years. Such dialogues are important for the construction of intimate peer relationships, as well as for the relief of pressure that adolescents feel from adult supremacy (Youniss, 1980).
Maturity
During the stage of puberty, adolescents begin to adapt to the adult world and its institutions while, at the same time, adapting to the changing parts of theirselves. They discover that they have new sexual and emotional needs. During this process, adolescents start to realize the limitations of authoritative figures (their parents) (Graham Lafollette, 1989). Accordingly, adolescents need to distance themselves from their parents in order for them to take responsibility of the aspects of their own character (Graham Lafollete, 1989).
Multiple selves
During late adolescence, a person must first confront the problem of multiple selves (Prager, 1995). It is during this time that adolescents realize that hisher personality changes from one situation to another. This is the life stage wherein an individual seeks to craft a narrative of self that provides a sense of continuinity and sameness (Prager, 1995). The importance of intimate friendship and love formed during the early adulthood are attached from the adaptive and valuable contribution dialogues made with peers during the adolscence stage. Individual differences can be identified by the capacity to form intimate relationships characterized by depth, partner individuation and commitment based on the formed interactions during early life (Prager, 1995).
Self-definition through story
During the transition period from adolescence to early adulthood, an individual seeks to discover hisherself through story in biographical and historical terms. For example, a child views hisher past as a series of factual events, while a young adult becomes curious to uncover the validity and meaning of these facts. During early adulthood, a person does not search for hisherself in others, but rather confronts the other as a separate person with whom heshe longs to connect (McAdams, 1989). The ability of an individual to create a well-articulated life story and to combine hisher multiple selves results in the ability to guide hisher emotions, personality traits and actions (McAdams, 1989).
Intimate relationship as a whole
Intimate relationships that are formed during infancy, childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood give rise to continuing relationships, and ultimately to individual development (Savin-Williams Berndt, 1990).
Intimate relationship as a whole is a close interpersonal relationship that can be defined by characteristics like repeated interactions, emotional attachment, needs fulfillment and enduring behavioral interdependence. According to Miller (2007) et al., intimate relationships play a central role for the overall human experience. Individuals have the universal needs to interact, which is further satisfied when intimate relationships are formed (Perlman, 2007). Miller et al. (2007) said that intimate relationships are comprised of sexual and romantic relationships, those who we marry and provide personal and emotional support, the people whom we love and like and the people that we are attracted to. Intimate relationships also provide individuals with a social network of people that can provide them with strong emotional support and fulfill their need to be cared for, as well as their needs for love and belongingness (Miller et al., 2007).
In order for a person to sustain to intimate relationship, heshe must have a well-developed interpersonal and emotional awareness (Aronson, 2003). From the center of self-differentiation and self-knowledge during the early life stages, intimate relationship joins close friends, family and those whom we are in love (Vitalio, 2005).
Emotional and physical intimacy
Kakabadse (2004), distinguished different forms of intimacy physical and emotional intimacy. In sexual relationships, emotional intimacy is established after physical bonds have been developed. Accordingly, the process of falling in love has a biochemical dimension driven through the physical reactions of the body, and a social dimension driven from talk that stems from sexual union andor regular physical closeness (Kakabadse, 2004).
Physical intimacy is characterized by passionate or romantic love and attachment, as well as sexual activity that is developed after emotional intimacy. It is governed by a higher order strategy, to which a person may not be aware of (Kakabadse, 2004). According to Mills Clark (1982), an individual can obtain physical intimacy by getting close to someone in order for himher to get something or give something to them. The so-called something may not be offered if the relationship between two persons are not intimate (Mills Clark, 1982).
Emotional and physical intimacy in relation to love
Love is an important factor in both physical and emotional intimate relationships. Two types of love in an intimate relationship include companionate and passionate love (Hatfield Rapson, 1993). According to Hatfield Rapson (1993), these two kinds of love are primarily based on the parent-child attachment. The studies about passionate love are focused more on the infants attachments to their caregivers, which serve as the prototype for passionate relationship. On the other hand, studies about companionate love are focused on the infants attachments to their parents, which serve as the prototype for companionate relationship (Hatfield Rapson, 1993).
Passionte love is an intense emotion that is often labeled as obsessive love, infatuation, or being in love. Hatfield Rapson (1993) defines passionate love as a complex functional whole including appraisals or appreciations, subjective feelings, expressions, patterned psychological processes, action tendencies and instrumental behavior.
On the other hand, companionate love is a far less intense emotion that is sometimes called conjugal love or true love. It is a combination of feelings including commitment, deep attachment and intimacy. It is defined by Hatfield Rapson (1993) as the affection and tenderness people feel for those with whom their lives are deeply entwined.
Intimate relationships are always connected with love styles. Some researchers developed a scale that will measure how close couples are, while others proposed that couples can adopt to the six love styles mentioned above (Hatfield Rapson, 1993).
Happiness
Humanistic Psychology
Arguably, there is no psychologist today that can rival the influence of Abraham Maslow when it comes to both humanistic and positive psychology. According to Janet Simons (1987) et al. in their Psychology the Search for Understanding, Maslow developed and provided a theory of personality that influenced a wide number of fields. In many respects, this has been owed to the high level of practicality that Maslow provided. As stated, his theory accurately described many realities of personal experiences and many people claim that they can relate to what Maslow is trying to say. They can recognize some features of their experience or behavior which is true and identifiable but which they have never put into words.
In many respects, we can see that Maslow provided an alternative view to the mainstream science. In his book, The Psychology of Science A Reconnaissance (1966) he argue against the mechanistic tradition of modern science that taken for granted different definitions, axioms and concepts. He debunked the claim of modern science as the only reliable path to the acquisition of knowledge. For Maslow, this mechanistic approach of mechanistic science is naive, ethnocentric, relative to time and place, neither eternal nor unchangeable and determined by its characters. For him, he merely regarded science as another philosophy of knowledge comparable to earlier and existing philosophies of knowledge.
As a response to mechanistic science, he introduced a counter philosophy that is against the dehumanized view of the world. As he said, it might be called a rediscovery of man and his human capacities, needs and aspirations, (p. 2). This is what is known as the humanistic science. Along with his restoration of humanistic approach to psychology, other disciplines also underwent the same revolution including business, politics, religion and social sciences.
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