Psychology

In the article, Safe as a woman,  Melissa talks about two seeds that grew inside her.
The first seed was that of homosexuality, which became a part of her from the age of seven.

The author does not give a specific reason for her sexual orientation. In fact, Melissa
herself is confused about her affinity towards girls instead of boys. So, when Melissa, a devout
Christian reads a particular paragraph in the Bible berating homosexuals, she feels dejected.

Acceptance by society is desired by everyone. It is so with Melissa too. She wants to be
accepted as she is. Reading those lines in the Bible, makes matters worse for her. As an adult,
Melissa finds acceptance in her lesbian relationship with her girlfriend. She becomes part of the
gay community, where she feels welcomed and can be free of pretense.

But, she describes this step as unable, unaware and unwilling to resist. This clearly
shows that in her subconscious mind, she is still programmed to follow societys norms and
Bibles teachings.

She craves acceptance from the society, especially the church, though she is not aware of
this. Later, she finds acceptance, when she meets a couple, Doris and Bill, who like her for what
she is. The couple start praying for her illness and the second seed is planted. She becomes an
active member of the church and begins to think of womanhood.

There are many interesting aspects to this transition. Earlier, when Melissa was a child,
she visited the Church, as she felt it was the right thing to do. Later, she joins the Church of her
own free will. The difference is that as a child, Melissa was confused about her sexual
orientation. Her regular visits to the Church and her subsequent sighting of a paragraph If a
man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They
must be put to death their blood will be on their own heads (Leviticus 2013), in the Bible fills
her with guilt.

She believes subconsciously, even when she is in a lesbian relationship, that she is
suffering from an illness and homosexuality is a sin. This thinking can be traced back to her
childhood, when it was ingrained in her that the word of the God was final.

So, in a way, the second seed of enlightenment, was planted even before the first. And
because of that seed, Melissa experiences guilt all the time. But, when the couple accept her, she
is freed from her guilt.

A free Melissa decides to walk away from homosexuality. She begins by joining
Crossover Ministries, which helps people with changing their sexual orientation.

Melissa starts reading all the literature available on the subject to understand her past
behavior and march towards womanhood. In the end for Melissa, acceptance was far more
important than following her desires. The desire and the fear of the written word in the Bible was
so much that she manages to convince herself that homosexuality is a sin that needs to be
repented.

And so she begins a new quest for womanhood at the age of thirty.