Psychology

Marriage binds two people who pledge to love each other in sickness, in health, for better or worse and until death. Marriage culminates the long search for a permanent partner in life. Many couples continue to live in the magic of love and marriage. Other couples are not as lucky they find defects in the marriage and are not able to recover from it. A major factor that could make or break a marriage is communication. When a barrier in communication exists between the husband and the wife, most likely their marriage will fail. And one of the most common causes for this barrier is a nagging wife.

The assignment in Educational Psychology required us to identify a person who exhibits a maladaptive, aversive or compulsive behavior. The first image that came to my mind was my Aunt Aida (not her real name). About a week prior to this exercise, Aunt Aida went to see my mother to talk to her about her marital problems. She was crying heavily and expressed that she and her husband were thinking of separating. The news did not surprise us since she has been coming over many times expressing the same problems. Her husband has changed since their marriage. He now goes home late and is most often drunk. He refuses to listen and has lost all the thoughtfulness and sweetness he had for her before. My mother and I both knew the reason why the husband behaved that way. My Aunt Aida is a nagging wife.

I decided to pursue a more thorough inquiry on my aunts case. I took the chance to have a long talk with her upon her next visit. I controlled the interview so that she would not feel intimidated about my questioning since we were going to discuss the sensitive issue on marriage. I emphasized that the interview was for an assignment I had to accomplish in class. I avoided talking and even thinking about personal issues that would constrain her to give her full and honest impressions. I observed my aunts reaction and I believe we were both glad that the topic was discussed. It was a chance for her to express herself and be understood as well as a chance for me to know my aunt more.

Aunt Aida is in her late 40s. She is blessed with four children all of them grown ups. She finished college and had a good paying job before she got married. Eventually she was forced to quit her job so she could take care of her growing children. For many years, her time was devoted to taking care of the children, the house and her husband. My mother told me that my aunt used to be a good dancer.

She was very beautiful and graceful. She wore nice dresses and had many admirers. When I interviewed her, I tried to look for the beauty and charm that my mother was talking about but I could not find it. Somehow the radiance disappeared through the years. Instead I saw a wrinkled middle-aged woman who was very unhappy.

My aunt knew that it was her persistent nagging that ruined her relationship with her husband. When the children were young, she was so busy that she did not have time to nag her husband. She was just always tired with the house chores and taking care of the children. She could not remember which happened first if it was her nagging or her husbands drinking. It just happened that she found herself nagging her husband and him getting drunk and not listening. She would nag him repeatedly, about his drinking. She would even nag him about the possibility of having other women because it is but logical for a guy who stays out every night to have relations outside marriage.  Aunt Aida admitted her difficulty to control her mouth. She knew it was wrong and many times she tried to stop. But her mouth seemed to move automatically, continuously like a machine gun.

I proceeded to asking her about her motivation behind her behavior. This part of the interview became very sensitive. My aunt did a lot of thinking. The question required her to get out of herself and see her situation from the outside. First I asked her what her reasons were for nagging her husband. She gave three reasons and she explained them very thoroughly. First, my aunt nagged her husband because he was not doing things right. At the beginning her husbands drinking was not really that bad. He is not an alcoholic. He just went out to have a good time with his friends often. Lately the going out and drinking has become very frequent and worse, he barely even spoke to her. He only spoke when necessary like when he talked to her about the finances and when they talked about the children. These were the few times when their conversations were not interrupted by her nagging and usually they were both cold and indifferent. Second, my aunt nagged her husband because he would not follow her. She has told him many times, over and over that drinking is bad and that he has a responsibility in the house. He comes home barely able to stand and usually ends up in bed snoring. Third and most importantly, she nagged because she felt hurt. She felt hurt because instead of spending time with her, he is out with his friends. She felt hurt because he leaves her on her own everyday. She felt lonely and she missed the times they spent together. Especially now that the children are grown up and have their own families, she is left alone everyday without anybody to talk to. She missed the times when her husband was sweet and thoughtful to her. She wonders if her husband still loves her.

Then I asked my aunt what she felt whenever she nagged and what pushes her to nag some more. My aunt loves her husband. But these days, when she looks at him, she feels a deep urge to release something. She could not explain what it is but she described that it is like a bomb that needs to explode. When she is able to nag him, the heavy feeling goes away. But this is replaced by anger because her husband usually responds with an angry attitude and remark. Her vocabulary for hurting words has increased. She would silently enjoy the good choice of hurting words the more hurting, the better she felt.  

She talked about her past that seemed to give her away. She said she felt avenged whenever she nags. She talked about the many things she missed being a wife. She regrets losing the firmness of her body. She could already see the prominent sagging and wrinkles in her face. She is afraid of aging but she feels it is coming. Her husband seemed to have lost his attraction to her. She feels insecure and even jealous thinking about the many girls her husband meets outside. She wished she could turn back the time and not decided to stop working. By now she could have been very successful more successful than her husband if she pursued her career. She gave it up because she had a responsibility in the family. She expected that the least her husband could do was treat her well.

As family, I felt some responsibility towards Aunt Aida. Without the nagging her marriage would have been blessed like the others. I realized that my aunt really needs help. She needs to see clearly what her nagging is doing to her marriage and to find out how she can stop it. Good enough that I did a background research about nagging. The description, the psychological explanations and analysis from experts on its causes and effects helped me understand my aunts situation better. They confirmed many aspects of my aunts behavior including her motivation.

Nagging is a behavior that stems from the need to control somebody. The wife is believes that the most effective way of controlling the husband is by constantly telling him what he should and should not do. This telling is usually done the harsh way and it results to strong emotional responses from the husband that is why the behavior is considered aversive. Experts explain that usually the wife is convinced that it is her duty to perform the nagging so that when the husband does not respond, she feels that she has a right to be angry (Morelli, 2007).

Nagging is an aggression that invites another aggression. Because the request is done in an angry manner, the response is usually in an angry manner. Nagging usually results in an exchange of angry, hurtful words that destroys the communication process. The couple would not focus anymore on what is being said but on how things were said. They would recognize the anger more than is actually wanted. For example, the wife wants the husband to help wash dishes, but she says it angrily with added remarks like, it is too late or it is about time, emphasizing that the husband is remiss of his obligations in the relationship.

Nagging therefore results in the battle of power. The husband may choose to follow the wife but usually responds negatively. The wifes show of power makes the husband feel punished. Deep within him, he wants to keep his sense of self-worth intact so he does things to convince himself that he still has powers. His actions then are intended to show the wife that she cannot just simply over-control him.

Aunt Aidas problems are a little bit complicated for my untrained skills to handle. Although my task only limits me to identify the inappropriate behavior and find the motivation behind it, I felt the obligation to help. I could see an unhappy woman who is in serious need of professional counseling. Her motivation to nag may have given her some sense of relief but it had only brought her into deeper miseries. I shared with her the notes I got from my research hoping that it would help her understand her problems. My advice and research materials are not enough to solve her marital problems. I suggested she see a professional counselor so she could save her marriage. If ever she does something about her problem, I hope that it is not too late. I hope her husband still loves her and would be willing to change for the sake of their marriage and the love that has held them together through the years.